10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
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I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Natural selection at its finest