I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
This will teach them to underestimate me
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.