There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Overindulged this afternoon.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe