this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
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Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
How software testing works
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.