Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
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While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.