*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
*watches the world burn*
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.