Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
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馃槄馃槄馃槄
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I鈥檓 broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[a food doesn鈥檛 agree with me] i don鈥檛 recall asking for your opinion
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I鈥檝e always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
umm…
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Just finished cleaning and can鈥檛 find the kids.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 馃槒”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you