There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
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Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
😂😂😂
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*