Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what