Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
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If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀