How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
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djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I’m tired tomorrow.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.