I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
everyone’s a critic
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.