Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
You Might Also Like
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.