The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
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Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.