FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
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My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
💯😂
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls