that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
You Might Also Like
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Haha! 😂
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?