I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
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Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Happy Halloween 🎃
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
doing some research
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”