My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Air conditioning – not a fan
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid