[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
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No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.