I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
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Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right