Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
You Might Also Like
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
The Backseat Boys
The government even made aliens boring
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift