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That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Message from the dog groomers
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂