I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
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*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
doing your own taxes
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
so much to do
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”