A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
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I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea