[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!