Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
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“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.