The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
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My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”