I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
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Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
the icebreaker
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Hotels are back
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.