[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
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*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.