The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
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Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
The Backseat Boys
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Software Development ⛵️
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?