[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
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“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
#CoronaOutbreak
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.