dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
You Might Also Like
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
good work, everybody
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
rapatouille
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40