You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
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Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up