CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
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Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!