Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
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Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Hey I worked for it too!
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
#polloftheday
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house