The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
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wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
January has been Januweary
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.