I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
You Might Also Like
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I think about this a lot
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”