Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
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Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
#TopTip
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.