what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.