Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics