If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
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Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Lmaoo 😂
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*