[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
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What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)