I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
You Might Also Like
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I feel this so hard
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!