[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
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*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
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In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”