interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
the icebreaker
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
From Facebook just now…
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.