It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
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*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead