literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
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Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
me opening up to someone
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday