cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
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I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Shortcut
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.