Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
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The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Only short people can save us
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”