Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*